Thursday, 21 January 2021 @ 7:16pm

Happy New Year and happy new Presidency, folks. I've been working nonstop and getting overtime, which I needed. I met a few guys that suggested I transfer to their stores -- so networking is going good retail-wise. Also, being cute helps. Currently hiding in my room until my bitch of a roommate sleeps. I am so hungry... about to crack open my last beer. Bye!

Monday, 14 December 2020 @ 1:47pm

Long time, no entry. I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's place and it was very eye-opening for me. I realized that my negativity got me nowhere. I was so much more positive this time and it brought so much joy to me that I never really felt. I visted the mountains for the first time and attempted to ski (which I'm awful at and will attempt snowboarding in 3 weeks). I found out I love the mountains and the atmosphere and happiness it brings me. I listened to Christian songs (what??????!) and it made me feel... seen. Like, actually seen and heard and felt like a sign from the Universe or some higher power that they're actually listening to me when I call for them.

I was on my way back this morning and found so many signs that the higher power is near me. 888, 12:12, 333, and 11:11 all found their way to me in the span of an hour or two. I'm in awe of how the world is working and I hope the feeling I have right now never leaves me.

Wednesday, 9 December 2020 @ 3:38pm

I AM SO ANGRY. I HATE EVERYONE. I HATE OPINIONS THAT GO AGAINST MINE. I HATE MY ROOMMATES AND FAMILY AND EVERYONE THAT DOESN'T AGREE WITH ME. I HATE THE WORLD. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THE UNIVERSE. I CAN'T EVER BE FUCKING HAPPY. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS EXISTENCE. LET ME BE HAPPY. HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IS IT TO GIVE ME ONE GOOD THING. ONE GOOD DAY. I JUST WANT ONE GOOD THING OR DAY OR MINUTE. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS LIFE. FUCK THE WORLD.

Tuesday, 8 December 2020 @ 11:55am

I am so scared of being alone that the thought of my boyfriend almost leaving me causes me to get overwhelmed. This past weekend, he almost broke up with me because I'm "the least motivated person he's ever met" and I'm "so stuck up even though I have no one." I'm "so negative" that he "dreads talking to me." I've been trying to be better, but I don't know if things are too far gone to fix now. He said if we end up getting married, he'd most likely divorce me because of how I am (if I don't change). I guess he doesn't notice how depressed I'm getting and how close I am to killing myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure this relationship is toxic, but how am I supposed to survive without my first love? I feel as though I care so much about him but he doesn't feel the same -- even if he says he does. He texted me: I still love you and has said he can't be mad at me or even think about breaking up because he just can't find any reasons to break up (besides my negativity, which he knows I can change if I truly tried) ...Do I need to have a reality check about this relationship? And in love in general?

Friday, 4 December 2020 @ 12:25am

Is it fucked up to want to die in order to see how much someone truly cares about you? I want to see who is affected. No one, probably, but it's a thought I have at night.

Wednesday, 2 December 2020 @ 4:15pm

I hate how simple my site looks. I have no idea how to code, so this is as much as I can do without wanting to scream or rip my hair out. Hope whoever reads this doesn't mind the plainness. If you do: fuck off.

I have so much motivation and so little time to actually put effort into using it. I need to get healthier and figure shit out, but I just can't. I work 40 hours a week. Like, why the hell am I working that much and I still can't afford anything? I wish I could live in a dense forest and forget about all of my responsibilities.

My roommates make me feel rage and I literally stay in my room as often as possible so I don't have to see their deformed, disgusting faces or hear their voices. God, I hate them with my entire being. Just a few more months until I can move out and block them forever. I want to live alone! Fuck the world for making that impossible. Fuck being a college student.

Sunday, 29 November 2020 @ 12:16am

They always say you have to learn to love being alone, but if you've been alone your whole life, wouldn't it make sense to despise being lonesome? I have a boyfriend and all I can think about is him hating me in the near future. I can't live without him, yet I know he can live without me. I have the urge to push him away before he leaves on his own. Does that make me insane? Insecure? Fucking stupid? Maybe all three...

Don't get me wrong, I love him and don't want him to leave. But I'm not deserving of him or the affection he gives me. He says it's because I have "daddy issues." You'd have daddy issues too if your biological father left you as a baby and hasn't bothered contacting you since. Funny thing is, I kept the letter my biological father wrote me when I was a baby. I imagine what it'd be like to be loved by a dad on a daily basis. I can't and won't forgive him for ruining my childhood.

Fuck you, Chad.

Wednesday, 25 November 2020 @ 10:58am

I bought a book in hopes it'll make me feel something. I crave sadness. The kind of sadness where I can't breathe and end up questioning everything. Not that I don't already, but at least I'd have a reason behind it. I enjoy the process of crying and feeling numb. The headache I get from crying and the despair I end up feeling ignites something in me that happiness doesn't. I might be odd in that sense. I don't believe anyone else feels the same as I do, which makes me feel like a freak half of the time.

In regards to my last entry: do you want to know who I am? If so, I can give a little insight into the real Margot. The Margot nobody sees. I promise not to be Margot on the Surface. This is a safe place for me and for you.

Tuesday, 24 November 2020 @ 12:25pm

Who are we really? In a world full of nothings, we are also nothing. For years, I've struggled with my existence to the point of exhaustion. I have moments of crisis and end up being numb for weeks at a time. The world pressures me to become something I cannot. The lies we're told end up causing despair. In this nothingness of a world -- who are we and what can we truly become? Uniformity is out of the question. What's left for us is becoming a disgrace to those that think of us as different.

Are we truly who we think or say we are? Or are we just like the rest of them and don't even realize it?